Airplane Flashbacks: "You have something on your nose."

Revealed here is a self portrait that leaves nothing to the imagination. It is a disgusting vision, that is certain. You may wonder why a woman would want to project such an image and how she has been able to maintain employment when you learn she has been seen in uniform wearing a similar decoration on her nose.


It is actually a therapeutic technique I have developed known as "Booger Therapy". I have used this effectively with males of all ages who are fearsome fliers. The booger is actually a piece of lime. Sometimes, I'll fall back on it out of boredom (mine or passengers) because it always causes somewhat of an uproar. Those that get the biggest kick out of this are boys in the age range of 5 to 12. I'll show them the trick and let them spring it on the unsuspecting.

There was once a precocious boy of about 10, traveling with his mother in first class to Maui. He was not having a good flight,so I showed him the joke.  I asked the boy if he was going to try it on his mother. His reply "It would be a lot funnier if you did it." I thought the better of it but he would not let up. Toward the end of the flight I relented and when they left the mother said it was the best flight she ever had because her son had such a fun time.
DISCLAIMER: If any of my readers are probationary flight attendants, I would wait until you are on the line for 6 months before you attempt it because it is certainly not management sanctioned.

Over many years, I have conducted a study using the lime booger. Flight attendants, who are not lime-booger savvy will say "You have something on your nose" to warn you not to walk out in the aisle. When I have visited the cockpit, male pilots will say NOTHING! Female pilots will usually warn me using the subtle "something on the nose" approach but if all the pilots are men, not a word! I have asked them the reason and they usually clam up. Never have been able to understand the reason for this.

Update as of June 2011... Booger therapy does not convey a professional image of authority that is needed in today's world so it was grounded some time ago. You may see it reappear in some earthbound restaurant locations.

Airplane Flashbacks: Hulk Hogan Bubblebath

In the good ole' days of aviation, before blogs, cellphones and a flight attendant's need to be an adept Kung Fu Fighter, I was boarding a flight from PHL to LAX. It was a 767 and I was the greeter and it was my job to create a welcoming impression and direct passengers to their seats. Life was much simpler then. There may have been a few problems to diffuse or an occasional medical issue to deal with but it was a more carefree time. It may have been March or thereabouts.

That holiday season (before Xmas was politically incorrect), I found the coolest present to give my girlfriends at Sav-on Drug Store in SoCal. On a display shelf with bronzed biceps and Wrestlemania belt was a plastic replica of Hulk Hogan containing bubble bath. Wouldn't have been happier with a gold Oscar! Swooped up several and kept one for myself.

Back to Philadelphia and the agent is almost ready to shut the door. A final passenger is sprinting up the jetway. My mouth falls open. Can it be? Hulk Hogan?
Yes! Clad in Snakeskin pants, a headband, and straight from Wrestlemania.

Let's get something straight here. I have met a lot of celebrities and most of the time, to respect their right to have some normalcy in their life, I treat them with no special deference except to protect their privacy and keep them from unwanted attention.

I open my mouth and say "Hulk!!! I just gave your bubblebath to all my girlfriends!
He replied, "Bubblebath? I didn't know I had bubblebath. I have sheets and underwear but I didn't know about the bubblebath."

We take off and I'm working first class aisle. Services are finished. It is a late night flight. I had just perfected a practical joke I call "the cup trick". I would place a plastic glass under my armpit and crunch it while twisting my neck. Kids loved it but it wouldn't work in today's environment! Anyway, Hulk enters the lavatory and I don't know what possessed me but...when he comes out, I am poised with my cup and ask him "You're an athlete. Do you know any good exercises for stiff necks? I crunch the cup while twisting my neck and then bust out laughing. He calmly says in his deep voice "You are too much" and takes his seat. He is definitely a good sport and made my plastic bubblebath even more valuable to me!

SARAN WRAP PRANK SPREADS TO NEW MEXICO!

As predicted, New Mexico appears to be the next state to have vehicles wrapped with plastic wrap. This truck parked at the Zia Park Casino & Racetrack was a victim of the disturbing trend. On a day when the temperture was only 20 degrees faranheit, this question is raised; "Who in their right mind would brave such wintery conditions for a practical joke?

SARAN WRAP A JAGUAR!

As predicted, the trend mentioned in the last post has migrated east. First stop is near Las Vegas where you are the first to view this phenomonen or evidence, depending on your world view. Where will it emerge next?

SARAN WRAP A MERCEDES & MISS THE OC MARATHON!

Southern California has always been a leader when it comes to trends. The latest was spotted by daughter Jillz at Newport Beach's Fashion Island. She reports seeing a vehicle completely wrapped in plastic wrap. Consider the beauty of this prank! No damage to the car but one is unable to even open the door. Since I was in town for the OC marathon, I visited a valet at the mall and he agreed to allow me to wrap a car for a photo op. His good judgment prevailed by the time I returned with the roll and he changed his mind. Didn't want to be in the OC Jail and risk missing the marathon so I repressed the urge.

It is expected that this trend will be spreading across the country, probably first to Las Vegas followed by New Mexico. To quote a pilot friend, "What's the fastest way to spread any news? TELEGRAPH! TELEPHONE! TELL A FLIGHT ATTENDANT!" Because of the "jumpseat wireless", you may see it in your own community before I get around to accomplishing the task and posting the picture.

Pictured here are a trio of Orange County marathon (5K) participants. Woman on the far left (J.P.) set a personal record, "bad ass" in the middle was surprised by her time and D.K. on the right remarked that this 5K (which is the last 3.1 of the 26.2 event) felt as difficult this year as last year when she did the entire distance.